You were upset from last night so you woke up this morning still angry, got ready for work and left without a word… In some cases, you are the one who drops her off, however, anger is reigning and ruling so you just drove off, not caring about how she finds her way. You refuse to eat from home, you sleep on the couch and put intimacy on hold.
This is not the way to go. FIX IT.
He hurt you, so you woke up, humming a song and decided not to render any service or do the basic things you hitherto would do for him. You carried on like he does not exist, finished up and barely mutter, “I am gone!” NO phone calls, no messages to check on him, you get back home with food you bought from outside for yourself, that is, if you do not have children, and if you do, you take care of them and yourself, totally not caring about him. You sleep in the kids’ room or on the couch to avoid any physical contact for as long as it takes. Do you both know what you are doing? You are breaking the hedge for the serpent to bite. Why? Anger, hatred, pride, etc. Unresolved conflicts is a home wrecker. Don’t give it a seat in your home. FIX IT
Look at what usually happens because your home has become a battlefield; if you hailed a ride or hopped into public transport, no one dares cross your path, they will bear the full brunt of your anger. And it is worse if you are driving yourself, you will crush everything that dares get in your way.
Sometimes, it is all your fault because you are absent-minded. You will simply get into unnecessary road rages and become a threat to everyone on the road. Why? There is no peace in your home and you are just irritable. This can even get worse. FIX IT
You will, possibly, take out your frustration on every living and non-living thing that crosses your path on the job. You will be isolated, angry, make mistakes and most likely, people will realise that you have a problem. See, you can wear tonnes of make-up, wear the best suit and feign smiles, but how you feel within as a result of your troubled home will have the best of you. Stop stressing your own self trying to unnecessarily keep your head above water. FIX IT
You people will choose to sleep apart, spend time doing irrelevant things on your phones, opening you up and thereby making you vulnerable to all sorts of temptations. Pride sets in so you both become entrenched and continue till you start drifting apart, the hedge gets broken and then the serpent bites… A lot more venom is released into your marriage and then gradually the marriage dies. This is not the way to go. FIX IT
Let’s flip it- you both wake up snuggling together, have your quiet time, and if time allows or depending on the mood, you get together sweetly and gently, moan under intense passion until the denouement where all those feel-good hormones are released. You smile sheepishly at how naughty you both have been, affirm your love for each other, and jump in to the shower together before heading out to work… Now tell me, what do you think the day will look like? You left home full of joy and happiness… The world around you can only experience the effect of that joy… YOUR PEACE OF MIND AT HOME, DIRECTLY IMPACTS YOUR WORK AND YOUR DAY… Keep it balanced. Challenges are a part of the journey, so when they come up, FIX IT
Conflicts and offences are inevitable. They will always come up. There is nothing you can do to avoid conflicts and misunderstanding permanently in your lives together. What you can do when they come up is FIX IT. Not dealing with but being hostile and contemptuous towards each other hurts not only you but everyone and everything around you. FIX IT
The challenge to FIXING IT has always been “THE HOW”. Most of us African women were taught to wake our husbands up at dawn and talk to them when there is an issue or if we want to have an important conversation, but trust me, that does not work with everyone. It never worked with my husband. He gets even more offended that you woke him up in the middle of his sleep. He says it gives him headaches. He would rather we talk at more relaxed times. When he is out of the shower and taking it easy. When he is ironing or when is fully awake and just lying in bed. We all need to study our partners and know what approach works with them. Find it and FIX IT
Now that you have their attention, don’t go apportioning blame and pointing fingers at anyone. There is an issue, discuss the issue, say how it makes you feel and tactfully call for a truce. If it was your fault, apologise without now going to say how it is all your partner’s fault. Yes, they may have triggered you badly to react in a certain way but make peace first and find a good time to discuss the triggers. The focus is for you to FIX IT
Note that, the approach is always important. Just a couple of days ago, my “BOY” called me yelling and sounding very upset. I had hidden the bedroom key elsewhere. He had a situation and needed the key badly. He was nasty. I was quiet and when he was done, I told him where he could find the key. He hung up angrily. I was livid at his behaviour but at that moment, I just remained calm. That night, we did not talk.
In the morning when he was up and was still relaxing in bed, I asked him why he was so upset last night… he explained himself. Then I told him I appreciate his situation but did he think yelling and raging at me was the solution? “Why would you take out your frustrations on me so badly? Yes, I did wrong by changing the position of the key without telling you but I think you overreacted. Charging at me…look! That was not the solution. You could have done better”.
I gave my reasons for changing the position which he appreciated, but again, I apologised for not telling him before. He went quiet and after a minute hugged me and said he was sorry and that I was right, no matter what he shouldn’t have reacted the way he did. We both agreed to do better and move on. FIX IT
Now here is my point, I was upset at him yelling at me. Instinctively, I was not having it and would have yelled back… Can you imagine what would have happened if I did? What you need is peace, not who won the fight or who was right. Unresolved conflicts are detrimental to your general well-being. Your general well-being includes your personal health and outlook, your mental health, your work, the people around you and everything in between, and all of these will be negatively impacted, so, FIX IT
Remember, you cannot give what you don’t have. If you live daily in unresolved conflicts, you will become irritable, you will be angry, your fake smiles will be seen through. Your output on the job will be badly affected because your home which is supposed to be a place of solace and respite for you will become a place of reproach and stress because of unresolved conflicts, so FIX IT
Your success on the job, your positive achievements outside of the home, your relationships, your mental and general well-being are all impacted by the peace and joy you have at home. Your home is your haven, your place of solace, your place of calm waters where you are energised and buoyed to take on the world. So FIX IT
The writer, Edem Knight-Tay is Programmes Director and host of Home Affairs at Joy 99.7 FM. She is strong-willed, confident, empathetic, results-oriented and a strong advocate for thriving families. She has been married for 19 years with four adorable children.
Edem has been a media practitioner for about two decades, working in various capacities. She lives by the Biblical principles “Love your neighbour as yourself” and “Do unto others what you would like them to do unto you.”
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