At first glance, my emails are polite and warm, after all, “I’m just checking in on a deadline, but no worries either way.
However, a closer look reveals my messages are punctuated by unnecessary apologies, smiley faces, exclamation marks and even kisses.
I like to think I’m being friendly and approachable, but according to experts, these linguistic habits may be quietly undermining how seriously I’m taken at work.
Careers coach Hannah Salton and etiquette coach William Hanson explain why so many of us write like this and the impact it could be having on how we’re perceived, and even promoted at work.
Is your punctuation extra?
“Thanks very much!” I’ve replied to many an email – my punctuation may be extra, but a full stop feels blunt.
People use exclamation marks to show “positivity and enthusiasm,” says Hannah.
Women use them three times more often than men, a recent study published in the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology found.
She thinks that’s likely down to the idea that “women are often judged more harshly than men when they are direct and are called bossy and other gendered negative words”.
And while a single exclamation mark isn’t the problem, the cumulative effect can be, warns Hannah.
“If it looks fake or like it’s covering up insecurity, it could impact credibility,” she explains.
Would you kiss them in real life?
Written communication is notoriously easy to misread, which is why many of us insert an emoji as a picture of our warmth or humour.
But etiquette coach William Hanson warns this can backfire.
“One emoji can mean different things to different people or something entirely unintended,” he says.
“It would be better if people used words and a good command of English,” he advises.
Emojis can have an “infantile connotation” which could lead to people perceiving you as younger, less senior, capable or responsible, he says.
“I would not put an emoji in an email,” he says. “You can be friendly in your writing and remain professional at the same time.”
And when it comes to signing off with a kiss, he says: “I would never put a kiss on the end of an email unless I would kiss them on the cheek in real life.”
Softening language can dilute authority
“Just checking that you’re following me and this all makes sense?”
Emails containing reassurance checkers can be self-deprecating, Hannah says, adding that over time, that tone can subtly shape how someone is perceived.
“As a manager, it’s a difficult balance of being liked and respected and if you’re not direct, there’s a risk of creating an impression of being less capable,” she says.
“There are definitely times where communicating in an overly apologetic or overly measured way can make you come across as less impactful.”
“A lot of it is unconscious,” Hannah says. “No one reads an email and thinks ‘oh, they don’t back themselves’, it’s more subtle than that.
“But if you’re consistently communicating in a people-pleasing way, that can build up an impression of someone who doesn’t back themselves, or who is potentially less competent.”
What to cut out of your emails
Here are some of the things you might want to consider losing to appear more professional, our experts suggest:
- Qualifying words such as “just” (“just checking”, “just wondering”)
- Pre-emptive apologies like “sorry to bother you” or “I’m sure you’re really busy but…”
- Reassurance checkers such as “does that make sense?”, “hope that’s ok” or “no worries either way”
- Exclamation marks
- Emojis
- Kisses or overly warm sign-offs
Hannah and William stress it’s not about stripping all warmth or personality from professional communication.
“Personal style is important,” Hannah says. “Showcasing personality at work is not a bad thing. You don’t want to feel like you have to filter everything you write and remove any personality from it.”
But at the same time you shouldn’t use certain words and symbols “as a tool to be liked”.
A practical way to spot and reduce these habits without losing personality is to pay attention to the emails you receive and notice how different styles make you feel – what sounds clear, confident or reassuring, and what feels excessive, she says.
Salton says AI tools can also be useful for reviewing drafts and removing excess filler or qualifier words.
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