For those who have been saying that ‘age is nothing but a number’ nu, wait till you are approaching age 60 and go to SSNIT to explain this myth to them. Their systems will let you know that, this expression is an erroneous one made often by a young man who is in love with his mother’s classmate in lower six form and sometimes by some older men who force love on small small girls who could be their grandchildren.
Your own student who could be your daughter or granddaughter, you catch am pressing and pressing her these things ‘pong ping pong ping’. Shameful! Or it is because of the month of October? The month where all we discuss is breast breasts breast as if men too don’t deserve a month to be dedicated to hernia hernia hernia! Anyway, hernia awareness month for men will soon come so that our wives will also be massaging our ‘things’ to see if there are no lumps in there. They may be saving the lives of some of us whose ‘danbels’ have already started ‘bowing down their heads in shame’ in-between our thighs due to old age.
Our women should also help us check if there are no lumps down there, the same way men are going to be busy this month checking for lumps on their chests!
That is why when I am seated in the front seat of a trotro bus and there is a space left and I see a beautiful lady passenger walking into the car, I unconsciously give way for her to come and sit next to me. When the driver’s mate pushes her into the main cabinet, the way it pains me er. Trotro mate, weytin concern you? Just allow the person to come sit next to me, you say weytin? But the most embarrassing part is how to ask the lady for her phone number in case you succeed in getting her to sit next by you. It is a very difficult thing for men. The bold ones like me would whisper into the ears of the lady to ask for telephone number. The fear of the unknown is: ‘what if she says NO?’ I was once embarrassed like that between Tema and Ashaiman. When she successfully came to sit next to me, I whispered into her ears for her number and she screamed back loud enough for other passengers to hear: ‘what is it?’. Eweeeeee1! What misled me to think she would gently give me her number was the fact that paid her fare without she asking for such an unnecessary favour. It gave me fake vim! I don’t know how I managed to come out of that trotro that day o, hmmm! Edwuaman? No no no! never again!
But on a serious note, I am very happy for Ghana. UDS gave me extreme joy last weekend after winning the world universities soccer competition against Brazil in an epic style. Just look at the beauty of the victory – it was extra time, and last minute – kpakam! Corner-to-goal! Wao! Sweet victory it was! The talents are here o, yet we keep going round the world looking for half castes to form the foundation of the Black Stars. See how we are struggling! Abedi Pele was / is not a half caste but go to anywhere in the world today and tell them you are from Ghana and the first name they remember about Ghana is Abedi Pele!
I greet you o, Sir Bob Roco Romeo, Chairman of the Man U Support Base in Ghana. Abeg, how market? Hahaaaai!
Ajeeeish! I am feeling hungry. Ahan Serwah, please bring me the small bottle containing the salt. I think I need to spice this groundnut soup with some more salt. The soup is not tasting well for my liking. Yes, Serwah? What is it please? You can’t find the salt? You ern, I know you are lying just to prevent me from having heart issues from over-consumption of salt. Just because you are a medical student, you have been denying me enjoyment of good food. Every day, “Daddy don’t eat this in excess; don’t eat that at all”. Why? Ah! Even you that you are a medical student sef, you don’t wear spectacles. Did I ever complain? Medical student without spectacles, is that one too a medical student? Hahahahahaha!
It’s weekend again and we are here to ‘dirty ourselves’ in public small. Taking life easy – no stress over GDP, Aphro Barometer, etc. For the team here at USELESS COLUMN, we don’t have a problem. The everyday things that we do in secret are going to come out crearrrr and trust me, you won’t learn anything from here. Sha!
Serwah, my ward is constantly on my neck over me not to eat late. And that eating late is the cause of my potbelly. Because I don’t want to eat in the night as I stand the risk of developing many dangerous illnesses, when I close from work, I go to the nearest chopbar to eat before it gets late, usually before 7pm. I have observed on many occasions that anytime I find myself at the chopbar after work, I see a lot of men with wedding rings who are also there eating. Don’t we have wives at home?
What should I do again about my weight han? I am beginning to be tempted to free my mind and eat anything though there are some things we don’t eat with our mouths. For those ones, I will use ‘rubber’. The risk level is super high, coupled with the challenges with the availability of anti-retroviral medications; the numbers are increasing and I have become more careful but if it has to do with what I will eat with my mouth, anything goes, I am tired. Even the cow eats mainly grass but has fat and potbelly just like Brigadier-General James Tee of the salvation army. I have never seen a ‘soldier’ with such potbelly.
Obesity is the only ‘city’ that gives dangerous diseases with some of the nicest names such as osteoporosis, sclerosis st. roses, parkinsons, hypertension, huntington disease (nice name), gastrointestinal meningitis, multiple sclerosis, angina (this one sounds like something men pursue), amibic dysentery, etc. Very nice names! You remember that my uncle, Ganyaglo. He was lucky I was at the naming ceremony of his last born. He would have named that boy ‘Osteoporosis Zogbenu’. The name just sweet my uncle k3k3 and he would not ask to find out the meaning too o, but just because he saw the word somewhere inside grafic! Illiteracy is another disease o, hmmm!
Sometimes too we become ‘married bachelors’ because some of us will be in bed with our wives and can’t access their ‘wi-fi’ because they are also tired from the day’s activities; you can’t blame them especially if it is not the fact that you are begrudging each other which is normal in marriages. As for me, when me and my wife are not on talking terms, she would still open the ‘wifi’ and after that we go back to our mood swing ways. It’s normal.
When men are denied the thing, we are tempted to go out to eat without our mouths especially after work. Some of our wives, please ‘open up’ for us o, or else, the ring may be on our fingers but it may push us into the category of ‘married bachelors’. Sometimes even though some of our wives do the ‘opening ceremony’ religiously, some of us would still go out to ‘eat’ anyway, often without our mouths. Please help us to reduce the ‘outside eating’ especially the ones without using our mouths. You equally stand the risk of infections.
These are some of the embarrassing things that give room for some married men like me to become bachelors even as we, I mean, they remain married. You are sitting in the aisles of the trotro seat inside the trotro proper, not front seat. Then a beautiful lady enters and looking for a space to sit and you shift yourself in order to create space for her to sit next to you. Then the girl ignores your unnecessary generosity and goes straight to sit at the back seat. Then your face begins to feel like krezin mixed with zomi. Who send you? Are you the trotro owner, Amuzu?
Looks like we married bachelors are all just entering the abongo lorley due to peer pressure without checking whether it has insurance or not. Is it not in the best interest of our families to occasionally go out to import joy into the house, or? But remember the fact that ‘Sin fascinates and assassinates’! A life time regret may just be staring you in the face!
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