Useless Column: Oga Landlord

Why is it that when men are using the public washroom to pee, gas automatically emits from their back? I just returned from Kumasi this morning and while at Bunso, we stopped over to ‘wee-wee..’ when I got to the ‘Gents’, almost all those urinating were ‘firing’ from the back. Some could not control the sound and remarkably displayed their ‘Do-ray-mi-fa-so-la-ti-dooooooo’ without shame.

The same applies to a male goat in my house. It coughs and then…poon! God is wonderful – he created natural exhaust pipes for only men when they are urinating. I don’t know about women, but I suspect some of them may equally be guilty, but because they are generally secretive with many things, they are able to control the sound gently even in the ‘Ladies’!

Ehern, I am sure you remember an encounter I witnessed between my senior brother Abraham and my father.

My brother was openly furious with the old boy for cheating on our dear mum with another woman after he caught Papa with his lover in some corner bi and decided to advise him later against such ‘ungodly acts’.

The good news was that my mum had no idea about anything being done behind her. In reaction, the old boy didn’t say anything other than telling my brother: ‘Who no grow, go grow’.

Ahan, like I was saying, my brother grew up into an adult and got married. At some point, I went to catch him somewhere with another lady in a compromising position.

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The following dawn, I called him advising him against such ‘ungodly acts’ because he has to remain faithful to ONLY his wife, according to the Bible. Wey kan Bible? In a similar fashion, my brother didn’t say anything but only said to me: ‘Who no grow, go grow’ and walked away. Really? I see!

So who owns the land and the building? Should the person be landlord, landlady or house lord? ‘Oga Landord’ you would call him even if you have real estate apartments in your village but want to be in the city and drinking beer and eating pizza. He would be your Lord, of course. Building a house is no child’s play. My former Boss Mr Avereyireh’s advice 13 years ago still rings in my ears: ‘Every cement block in building a house makes a difference’. Dey there and be saying buying land at Adeiso is too far. You wait to acquire a building in Cantonments. You go wait taya!

Now I am also grown and married. The good news is that my children are not old enough to start ‘advising me against any ‘ungodly acts’. Hahahahaha! Indeed Sin fascinates and assassinates! To be frank side chic business can be stressful o. Be careful, my friends! There is nothing really in it apart from stress, money-wasting, time-wasting and sometimes deadly diseases.

Like joke like joke, COVID is 5 years old. Hmmm! At the time, I had heard that in some jurisdictions when you fail to observe the safety rules and you catch the COVID 19 and you were taken to the quarantine centre, your mobile phone will be taken away from you and given to your wife to keep ‘safely’ for you with the password especially to your whatsapp? Heyheyhey!

Now COVID is a thing of the past generally but HIV is still in full force o– still not abolished.

I now understand why most married men were religiously wearing the face mask and also observing the other safety protocols but are reckless with condom use. They don’t use it at all. I don’t know why I am not using it; sorry I mean they were not using it. Go and check your status. The fear alone to do this test is enough to kill some of us but I am told the fear of not knowing your status suggests that you may have it. My friend, be bold and go for the test. You may be lucky. You have it already but because you don’t know the fact that it will either be negative or positive. Whether you like it or not, if it is death you are afraid of, one day we would be gone…for good. As for heaven BECE, as to whether we would pass or not depends on
So you enter a washroom in Naija and all the doors to the ‘Gents’ are engaged while those of the ‘Ladies’ are open and free. You expect a Naija guy to wait for the guys to come out of the ‘Gents’ before you use the place? Ei? Then you are not really in to respond to the pressure from you’re your bowels!

Oga Landlord is not used just for the fun of it but for a master-subordinate relation or buyer=seller relation. There is a common argument about how we should address our superiors. “Good morning, Sir. Good morning, Madam”. Some of us were forcibly thrown into class one just that without passing through nursery. Cyto sweet mmom! That’s just by the way. We proceed to the secondary school and then the university. During your one-year mandatory national service, even though you were in charge of carrying files and photocopying unnecessary documents coupled with buying food for your bosses, you addressed them as ‘Sir, Madam’.

Suddenly, you got a job in the corporate world and they say you and your boss are “equal”. So call your Boss who was your Father’s Senior in school by his first name.

Good morning Jeffery (your Boss). ‘Well noted, Serwah’ (your Boss). Where from this negative culture? In fact, in the past almost two and half decades that I started working, I have not seen it improve anything in our corporate world or life. If for anything I observe at all, it promotes ‘disrespect’. Some may disagree with my opinion on this but go to the court of law and address the presiding judge by his or her first name? Eish! They call it ‘open door policy’. Wey kan open door? There is no open door policy anywhere. Even if they are there, you have an invisible red line. Imagine someone calling the Otumfuo by His first name just because of modernization and westernization. Even the Queen or King of some Western world countries are called ‘Her Royal Majesty or His Royal Majesty before his or her name. Me to call my Superior by his first name? Kpa oooo!

It is not an ego opinion but a culture thing to address your superiors in a certain way to show a sign of seniority. We can never have a fair world where everybody is the same. Otherwise, stop your office work and go and be collecting scraps!

We have been so hypnotized to the point where some university students are beginning to think they can call their Vice-Chancellors by their first names. Ei, Master Sugudu! Corporate world cannot undo all the things and courtesies we have been taught from primary school to the university o. No way. I personally think it is not the best to address someone in a senior or superior position by his first name. Go ahead and be falling for such ‘traps’. Appraisal time will come and you would ‘score high marks’ and keep wondering why you are still not being promoted. You would have different types of anointing oils from different men of God to intervene on your behalf.

You are in court and want to address the presiding judge by his or her first name. Ei! Amelevi! Go ahead er. It is modern to do so. You have no idea how some of these western world people admire our culture. Even preceding a statement by the use of the word ‘please’ makes them feel good and envy us. What at all is wrong with this our brown colour? Ern? I have never seen a white-man being called Kofi but come to Ghana and see Michael and Fredericks – we copy everything – the reason I have decided never to add any exotic name to mine. I belong to Africa!
For the exceptions and for easy communications, journalists should be fine in addressing public office holders they are engaged in an interviewed. Nonetheless, you hear some well-mannered ones addressing their interviewees as Prof, Doc, Hon.

You were trained in the Military and rose through the ranks to become a Corporal and then you meet Lt Opoku and then you call him: ‘Opoku’! God be with you! Alhaji Alhaji, please do have a nice weekend and remember not to leave your car with a mechanic who you cannot really trust – some of them are making money nowadays by stealing catalytic converters – I have been a victim twice!

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