Presidential Dispatch No. 3 – On Budgets, Baby Daddies, and the DNA Republic
Ghana DNA scandal: Fellow Citizens of Uncommon Sense,
I address you at a curious hour in our national life — a time when the cedi has finally decided to behave, standing up to the dollar like a man who has finished paying school fees and now walks with shoulders high; yet, in the same breath, our attention has migrated from national budget to national paternity tests with Olympic speed.
Only in this Republic can the currency strengthen while common sense goes on casual leave.
Just last month, we exposed another national comedy in Blessed Are the Polluters, where our rivers preached sermons on human foolishness. But Ghana never sleeps; it upgrades its circus weekly.
In the past week, Parliament gathered for the sacred ritual of budget season. The Finance Minister arrived carrying the 2026 Budget as though it were the Ark of the Covenant, wrapped in heavy grammar and escorted by adjectives: “Resetting for Growth, Jobs & Economic Transformation.” We prepared for inflation, deficit, revenue — the usual theatre. But this time, Ghana had other plans.
Before Excel could open, Ghana quietly abandoned fiscal policy and embraced DNA policy. Overnight, we moved from discussing the father of the budget to arguing about the fathers of babies.
From Budget Season to Baby Daddy Season
The tragedy began with the helicopter crash that took the life of the late Samuel Aboagye. Before the widow could breathe, social media whispered: “We have questions.” Rumours appeared on platforms such as Yen.com.gh and Modern Ghana, claiming the child needed a DNA test. No evidence. No documentation. Just Ghanaian imaginations running at top speed with 4G data.
Budget debates disappearing
Parliament turning into a DNA lab
MPs dropping metaphors like evidence
Ekow Vincent Assafuah woke up one morning a Member of Parliament and went to bed a trending topic. TikTok lawyers held hearings. WhatsApp aunties issued verdicts. Bloggers announced documentaries. The man issued legal threats, but Ghana fears only low battery and expired bundles.
Then the digital republic nominated another candidate: Dr. Stephen Amoah — Sticka. Nobody submitted forms. No EC involvement. Yet he was declared Potential Baby Daddy Candidate No. 2. While serious headlines were running on sites like MyJoyOnline about the budget — where national issues are supposed to be discussed — social media had moved on to its own unofficial paternity court.
The Sticka DNA Doctrine
Then destiny, which has a taste for comedy, added pepper. During the budget debate inside the august House — whose official agenda is still listed soberly on the Parliament of Ghana website — Sticka rose with the confidence of a man who had revised his notes and delivered a metaphor that shook the nation.
“Somebody can impregnate a woman; if you marry the woman and she gives birth, it doesn’t automatically mean the baby is yours. You need DNA to confirm.”
The chamber froze. The microphones stiffened. Even the Speaker’s gavel considered requesting its own DNA test.
To be fair, Sticka meant it as an economic metaphor: one government impregnates the economy with policy, another marries the results. But timing is a jealous god. His name was already trending in the paternity rumour cyclone. The metaphor collided with the scandal like trotro and okada at an unregulated junction.
Ghana asked: “Honourable, are you speaking as economist… or as exhibit?”
The Birth of the DNA Republic
In less than 24 hours, Ghana created imaginary institutions: the Ministry of Gene-der, Ghana Genetic Service, National Paternity Verification Authority, and a bold national agenda called Operation Father All. The country that once turned the River Pra into a moral sermon in “Blessed Are the Polluters” had now turned Parliament into a comedy courtroom.
Mechanics at Suame discussed chromosomes like spark plugs. Market women argued about genetic resemblance over kontomire. Trotro mates became roadside geneticists. Meanwhile the serious economic questions — inflation, jobs, and why tomatoes behave like luxury cars — quietly stood aside like shy classmates.
The Ghana DNA We Really Need
Ghana does not suffer from a shortage of Deoxyribonucleic Acid — Ghana suffers from a shortage of Development Needs Alignment.
DNA tests won’t reduce rent. DNA revelations won’t fix roads. DNA scandals won’t cut corruption. We have written this before in different costumes — from rivers polluted by greed to bedroom commandos losing the plot — but the message refuses to trend as fast as gossip.
Only discipline, good management, and a sprinkle of uncommon sense will.
This Ghana DNA scandal may fade, but the lessons about focus, leadership and national priorities should not. Until then, we remain what we proudly are: a people who can turn tragedy, budget or metaphor into viral content.
Yours in solemn laughter and patriotic bewilderment,
The President-Scribe of the Republic of Uncommon Sense.
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